Relationships are funny things: One partner can be cruising along thinking everything’s just fine and dandy, and the other can be curling up inside like a poinsettia after New Year’s. One of us is sure we’re on the right track, while the other is wondering, “Why don’t we talk anymore?” And more often than not, it’s the female cohort who’s dying for more—more communication, more intimacy, more verbal acknowledgment that you’re committed to her happiness.

The reason is simple: When it comes to communication, women are like tropical plants, and men are like cacti. Studies suggest that the average woman speaks 7,000 words a day. The average man mutters just 2,000, and half of those are spoken to clients, colleagues, or the electronic image of John Madden. And it’s that discrepancy between our verbal styles and needs that can turn a once-hot relationship into yesterday’s oatmeal.

Want proof? Researchers at the University of Washington say they can predict with 90 percent accuracy whether couples will divorce or stay married simply by listening to them talk for a few minutes. After reviewing data from more than 500 couples in discussion, psychologist John Gottman, Ph.D., of the University of Washington’s Relationship Research Institute, and applied mathematicians James Murray and Kristin Swanson have come up with a mathematical model that can predict likelihood of divorce. They dub it the “Dow Jones Industrial Average for marital conversation.” A 5-to-1 ratio of positive comments to negative ones indicates a healthy marriage, they say. A ratio lower than that suggests trouble ahead.

A simple rule of thumb, then, is to talk more, share more, and be more open with your emotions. But telling a guy to share more is like telling him to eat less meat: Simple in concept, but not so tasty in practice. The solution is to maximize the communication you do have—to know a few simple phrases that will warm her heart and a few other intimate places, as well. If things feel a little chilly, a little distant, or a little lacking in boudoir beatitude, try speaking up. Here’s what to say.

1)”I’m so glad . . . “

“I’m so glad we ended up together.”

Every long-term relationship is a celebration of two people beating the odds. But the longer the two of you are together, the more couples you’ll know who didn’t make it.

2)”I understand . . . “
“I understand how important this is to you.”

Women gauge the health of a relationship by how well they think you understand them, says Mark Elliott, Ph.D., the director of the Institute for Psychological and Sexual Health, in Columbus, Ohio.

3) “Let’s talk about . . . “

“Let’s talk about Jenny’s grades tomorrow. Tonight should just be about us.”

In bed, focus on each other and the moment as much as possible, whether or not it leads to sex. “Don’t bring critical conversations into the bed. These are some of the most important minutes in your relationship each day,” says Parrott.

You deserve . . . ”

4) “You deserve a long weekend with your girlfriends. I’ll watch the kids.”

A recent study conducted at Purdue University found that long-distance couples have fewer trivial arguments than those couples who live with each other. “Because their time together is so precious, [long-distance lovers] really make an effort to reserve time for the relationship when they do see each other,” explains Mary Carole Pistole, Ph.D., an associate professor of counseling psychology at Purdue University

5) “Let me . . . “

“The weather’s terrible. Let me pick up the kids from day care.”

Women prefer mates who are protective and heroic rather than reckless and risk-taking, according to a study published recently in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior.

In the study, which involved 52 women, researchers described fictional men who decided whether or not to climb a steep mountain, travel alone in treacherous terrain, or jump into a river to save a drowning child. The majority of the subjects said they admired the men who took heroic risks but were not very impressed by the thrill-seeking adventurers.